Mind-melting bureaucracy
I’ve spent the last couple weeks trying to set up comprehensive ads and tracking for one of my clients, and outside of the fact that my technological expertise is clearly lacking in this end of the spectrum (I do not speak this kind of “conversion” tech nerdery), I’ve been constantly butting up against the multitude of bureaucratic nightmare barriers that are basically synonymous when dealing with tech support from Facebook and Google. I can’t complete one task on Facebook because, while they’re pretty sure I am who I say I am, Google absolutely is not, despite a long and storied history of Google knowing exactly who I am, since roughly 1998.
The main thing that’s been getting me through this Brazil-like hellscape is thinking about a text-based computer game from the 1980s. My brother and I loved these interactive fiction games from Infocom—if you ever played Zork, that’s the style of game that I’m talking about. You’re given written descriptions of the location and action happening at the time, and then you type commands into the prompt to tell your character what to do next. “Go north,” “pick up sword,” etc. You might’ve been eaten by a grue if you weren’t careful.
Douglas Adams was a huge fan of these games, and wrote a version of his infamous Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy books for Infocom, to be played in this text-based format. Not nearly as well known, though, was a game called “Bureaucracy” that was based in part on a true story of what happened when Adams moved his home, and his life bureaucratically became inaccessible to him. In the game, for example, instead of withdrawing cash from the bank, you wrote a deposit slip for a negative amount, and the bank would finally give you the money you needed to solve a certain puzzle. It was truly incredible and felt very, very real. For most Infocom games, you started out with a certain number of health points, which decreased with damage to your character until you were dead. In Bureaucracy, you were given a baseline of normal blood pressure, and every annoying/bad thing that happened to you would cause your blood pressure to rise until you had an aneurysm and died. HILARIOUS.
About 20 years ago, my brother and I were discussing how much we hated navigating the mazes of voice-prompted systems in order to talk to a human on a customer service line. He said it reminded him of Bureaucracy, and he wrote out what he imagined a version of the game based on these customer service phone systems would be like. For my own giggles and yours, I present to you: Voice-Prompted Bureaucracy.
> VERBOSE
Maximum verbosity.
> LOOK
You are in your computer room. Things are in slight disarray; some of last week's laundry is laying on the boxes behind you, empty beer cans lie strewn about, and the ashtray on your desk hasn't been emptied in days. On your desk is a computer monitor, your cell phone, a piece of paper, and various computer parts. Next to your desk are your two computers and a printer stand, which holds your modem and router. You are sitting in your chair. There is an exit east.
> USE COMPUTER
Which computer do you mean, the Gell Pessimitude fileserver, or the new state-of-the-art Boysenberry XR-71 Mach Snail?
> BOYSENBERRY
As you open up the Mothra browser (no doubt named for all the inherent bugs in it), an error page comes up telling you it can't find a connection.
Your blood pressure has increased 2 points.
> EXAMINE ROUTER
This is a Lynkpiss router. It's a bit older, but you like it because it's OS is easily replaced by better third-party software. Four cables are plugged in to it: one to each computer, one to the modem, and a power cable. It seems to be functioning properly.
> EXAMINE MODEM
There's no indication of the manufacturer of this modem, but it's narrow, black, and has a bunch of triangular lights on it. The only markings on the modem are stickers on the bottom showing FCC numbers and a MAC ID. It has three cables running to it: one to the router, one going in to the wall, and a power cable. A triangular blinking "RECV" light tells you it's not getting a signal.
> GET CELL PHONE AND CALL TECH SUPPORT
Taken.
A cheery voice greets you, "Thank you for calling Barter Communications. To continue in English, please press one. Para ayuda en Espanol, oprima el numero dos."
> READ PAPER
(Taken)
Barter Voicemenu Cheat Sheet
Tech Support - 1322148621181
Billing - 124639326115272893142(acct#)31223
Sales - 11
(Next to the Sales entry is a hastily scrawled note in your handwriting that reads, "Bastards!")
> DIAL 1322148621181
The cheery voice says, "One moment please!" and some cabana music starts playing. "Good thing I read the cheat sheet," you think, but then ponder all the previous calls and wasted life it took to create it.
Your blood pressure has decreased by 1 point.
> Z
Time passes...
The music is interrupted, and another not-so-cheery (kind of whiny, actually) voice says, "We're sorry, all of our technical support representatives are currently assisting other customers. Please wait and your call will be answered in the order it was received." It sort of sounds like a third grader with an adult voice reading lines from Shakespeare.
Your blood pressure has increased by 1 point.
> Z
Time passes...
A new cheery yet sultry voice comes on the phone and tells you, "Hello! I'm the Barter computer system! While you're waiting to speak to one of our representatives, I'd like to ask you some preliminary questions. I'll pass this information along to our representatives so they can help you further if necessary. If you'd like to continue, please say, 'Ok!'"
> DIAL 0
The cheery sultry voice almost laughingly says, "I *know* you really want to speak to a person right now, but I'd like to ask you some questions first. If you'd like me to help you, please say, 'Ok!'"
Your blood pressure has increased by 1 point.
> SAY "NO THANKS"
"Great! Is your computer on right now?"
Your blood pressure has increased by 1 point.
> SAY "YES"
"Good. Is your modem on, too?"
Your blood pressure has increased by 1 point.
> SAY "YES"
"Excellent! Now, can you tell me what kind of modem you have? You can tell by looking underneath the modem for a manufacturer sticker. Our most common models are 3-Bomb and Engineola! If you don't know your modem's manufacturer, please say, "I don't know!'"
> EXAMINE MODEM
There's no indication of the manufacturer of this modem, but it's narrow, black, and has a bunch of triangular lights on it. The only markings on the modem are stickers on the bottom showing FCC numbers and a MAC ID. It has three cables running to it: one to the router, one going in to the wall, and a power cable. A triangular blinking "RECV" light tells you it's not getting a signal.
The cheery sultry voice asks, "Are you still there?"
> SAY "YES"
"I'm sorry, I didn't understand that modem type. Could you say it again?"
Your phone sounds a quick double-beep at you.
Your blood pressure has increased 2 points.
> EXAMINE PHONE
Your phone is a CS-9120, last year's state-of-the-art phone from Happitec. It has a host of features you rarely use, including a built-in camera. The battery indicator is flashing.
The cheery sultry voice asks, "Are you still there?"
Your blood pressure has increased 5 points.
> SAY "LET ME SPEAK TO A HUMAN NOW"
"Hmm. Let's move on. Is your cable TV working properly? To tell for sure, please tune to channel 9."
Your phone sounds a quick double-beep at you.
Your blood pressure has increased 5 points.
> SAY "I NEED TO SPEAK TO A HUMAN #$%ING BEING RIGHT NOW, YOU PIECE OF #!@$ COMPUTER, BEFORE I REACH THROUGH THIS PHONE AND TEAR YOUR %^&$ING TRANSISTORS OUT, PUT SOME SOY SAUCE ON THEM, EAT THEM FOR LUNCH, AND FLUSH THEM DOWN THE GOD&*^$ TOILET IN AN HOUR! IS THAT COMING THROUGH LOUD AND *&^)ING CLEAR?"
Having far exceeded the three curseword limit the system was designed for, the voice ever-so-happily tells you, "Hold on while I transfer your call!"
Your phone sounds a quick double-beep at you.
Your blood pressure has increased 10 points.
> Z
Time passes...
A new voice comes on the phone. "Thank you for calling Barter Communications, this is Brad, how can I be of serv--" and your cellphone dies.
Your blood pressure has increased 20 points.
You feel a slight pressure in your head, shortly before passing out. Apparently the blood vessels in your brain can only take so much, and a few popped on you causing a massive aneurism.
**** YOU HAVE DIED ****
Please type RESTORE or QUIT:
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VPB is pretty hilarious -- and oh, so true.