On wasting potential
A while back, I was in a relationship that was deteriorating for any number of reasons, and I was so frustrated and sad as it was…
A while back, I was in a relationship that was deteriorating for any number of reasons, and I was so frustrated and sad as it was happening. While talking through it with a friend of mine, I shared how irritated I was that my partner was not giving things his all — in the relationship, but also in life in general. “He’s so talented and smart, and he could be doing SO much. But he’s choosing not to, and that is just so painful to watch.” My friend paused for a second and asked, “Are you in love with him, or his potential?” That question hit me right in the chest. Oof. I knew immediately that I was in love with his potential, and not with who he was at any given present moment. His present-moment self was often, for example, impulsive and short-sighted, and those were qualities with which I could not create or maintain the stability I wanted. We broke up not long after.
I was thinking about this moment recently while looking at my own recovering-overachiever life. There have been so many times, since I was a kid, that I’ve felt like I’m wasting my talents. I should have been x by the time I was 20, I should have been y by the time I was 30, I should have been z by 40. Meanwhile, the things I was doing and accomplishing often felt like checkboxes I was checking, and not necessarily fulfilling in their own right. Every time I did something related to social justice tech work, a voice inside my head would say, “But you’re not the artist you always wanted to be, are you?” And every time I’d try to do more artsy things with myself, I’d hear, “But you’re wasting all those analytical brain skills.” And on and on.
It only hit me sometime this week that I’ve been in love with my supposed potential — a “potential” often prescribed to me by well-meaning people, and not self-generated even. Who am I right now? A middle-aged white lady with a comfy home, two great dogs, and life I actually like waking up to every day. That feels like enough if I can I ditch the potential-ness.